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Word on the Street


When I was in university, our newspaper had this section called "The Walls Have Ears" - it was just a weekly list of quotes that people had overheard around campus. When I moved up to Alaska, I brought the tradition with me, and my newspaper there started a quote wall, mostly things spouted off by staffers on deadline at midnight on a Saturday.

I have never tired of this hobby, writing down the endlessly hilarious things that people say, that become exponentially hysterical when taken out of context. And sometimes even funnier when put back in.

So the tradition continues ...


"Champagne?!? What is there to celebrate? Crumbly-ness?" -The Doc


"Nice, empty vodka bottle at the playground."
"I think probably more kids were made here than played here."


"Are you giving the dust sucker?"
"Am I what?!?"
"While I am drilling."
"This is just getting dirtier."

A conversation with Za German about hanging cabinets up in the kitchen.


"I'm a medium stalker. Low to medium." - The Doc


"Hobo hippie. That's the worst of the hippies." - The Doc


"Oh, it's a hostel. That's why I haven't heard of it. I stay at the Chateau Laurier." - The Doc


"I think the world would be better for me if punching people was less a crime. Then they would have direct information that what they are saying is inappropriate. Something like: when provoked by generally unsociable behaviour, a citizen may punch another, once, anywhere but the nose, to register the offence. Then punchee may reciprocate the punch, but only insofar as they are still standing. Only one punch per minute on any offending individual, giving them ample time to leave the area wherein they caused the offence and one punch per offence on the puncher's side. See? I am really just advocating for clear communication. Safe, effective, fear-based communication. It's for the good of society."


"Asian and Filipino are different right?"


I mean come on. This is western civilization. If you have to walk around the house in some sort of half cape, half blanket, half moo-moo, half elvin shroud ... Well then turn up the f***ing heat.
(An opinion on Snuggies.)


"Here Ryan, write something in the Whistler Memories book."
"I don't write memories. I make memories."


"I love crystals. When I was a kid, all I wanted was a crystal snail." - The Doc


"I was busy at university trying to not be a virgin.
Misheard the actual statement of "I was busy at university trying to not be a burden."


"I get along with everybody! In my mind ..."


"What's wrong with you?!?"
"I'm a blackjack dealer in Vegas. And I'm a woman."
(Asked by frustrated guy playing blackjack losing yet another good hand to the dealer.)


"I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy."


"It's snap-judgement or perish. That's just how it is ..."
(An emerg doc applying her work philosophy to life)


"Why won't your pants come down?"
"Because I have hips."
"Oh. Maybe that was a design feature."
"Yeah. God gave girls hips so that guys couldn't pants them."


"I'm just super observant. And I can use that ability to predict the future." - The Doc
(In response to being called a conspiracy theorist)


"I'm so gay I even brought my own egg cups."
(Followed by someone pulling out their own egg cup while away from home.)


"A big spiraling vortex into the pit of nowhere ... "
(Commentary on the world of figure skating by a former coach)


"The Haunting of Bill Macgrue"
(A misnomer for the epic poem 'The Cremation of Sam Macgee')


"Hold on to my schnitzel!"
(Leaving a restaurant. In Germany. With leftovers.)


"Do I drink it or eat it with a spoon?"
"I'd drink it with the straw."
"Oh. I ate the straw ... "


"It's all stuff my grandma would get me and I'd have to pretend to like."


"Okay here's what you need to do: gather your thoughts. Make them into sentences. And then talk."