So a friend and I started weight training yesterday. Keep in mind I haven't lifted an athletic finger since my last day on the track a year and a half ago. So of course it makes sense that I just plunge into my weight training workout exactly where I left off as a competitive college sprinter.

Needless to say, I am having trouble walking, bathing and feeding myself today.

In response to my muscular distress, I decided to go try the hydro massage at the gym.

Next time I’ll go lie on a bunch of rocks in a wind tunnel, because it’s about as relaxing. Seriously. I swiped my little card to activate the fancy bed. It turns on, but only at my feet, which felt like my cat licking my toes. So I pumped up the pressure to HIGH and moved the focal point to my neck and shoulders. No one warned me to bring ear protection. It sounded like a Hurricane Katrina was ripping through the little room.

There is reason massage therapists don’t play death metal during a session. It could have been Vin Diesel standing there topless and rubbing me down, there is no way I would have left that room feeling any more relaxed than an arachnophobe on Fear Factor. I actually lay there with my hands over my ears for half the session.

In conclusion, hydro massage tables suck.