Starting two summers ago, I began jumping through all the hoops required to become a volunteer for both the 2010 Olympics and Paralympics. I filled out all the forms, did all the telephone interviews, completed the in-person interviews, took a pre-Game volunteer position as a Track Host at the Whistler Sliding Centre, and even did my Volunteer training course, which included a full-day class where you are required to stick sport icons on the wall next to the corresponding pictures of venues. And then they make you watch the Olympic torch relay video. And if you don't cry during that, then you fail volunteer training. And they send you next door to the veterinary office to take a job euthanizing kittens. Since you obviously have nothing but pure ice coursing through your veins.

After you complete all these steps, you wait. You wait to see if the other volunteer who interviewed you has passed your application to another volunteer who is in charge of matching you to a position, who will then pass your application to yet another volunteer who will send you an email.

Today I got my email ...

I have officially been offered the position of Paralympic Family Assistant with VANOC's department of International Client Services.

Now, when I first saw the assignment, I have to be honest, I was a little disappointed. I had been hoping for a sport volunteer position at one of the venues, where I would be right next to the action.

But then I got the follow-up email explaining what the PFA assignment entailed.

"In your role as a PFA you will facilitate the personal daily schedule for your assigned IOC/IPC Members, International Sport Federation Presidents, Secretaries General and NOC/NPC Presidents and Secretaries General, by providing driving and administrative services to your delegate and communicating in the delegates preferred language where necessary."

OMG.

Translation: PFA is code for Official Driver/Tour Guide/Translator of VIPs. As in "Michelle, let me introduce you Jean-Guy Baguette, president of the French Paralympic Committee. Your job is to drive him to all his functions and if there is really bad traffic to know where the shortcuts are. You will also need to translate for him in his ongoings with other Very Important People. Although maybe try to tone down your trashy Quebec accent. And when he is busy in his meetings or waving his respective flag at whichever event he is required to be at or doing whatever it is that he does, you just come over here and wait in this nice warm tent, where we will feed you and let you watch competitions on the big screen."

Hells yeah!

Of course, they may very well assign me to Wolfgang Schnitzel from Austria. In which case Herr Schnitzel will quickly find out that when I said "Basic German" on my application form, I meant that I can find the der Scheisshaus, order ein mass Bier and yell at the guy who just cut me off "Auweia du Blinder, hast du nur Scheiss im Hirn?!?"

On the other hand, the application committee may have taken to heart one of my other multilingual skills that comprises my ability to say "I have a wedgie" in no less than four languages.

So if my PFA assignment turns out the be the President of the Romanian Sledge Hockey Federation, we are all in luck.

Of course, if either Monsieur Baguette or Herr Schnitzel have undergarment issues, they may have to deal with their respective wardrobe malfunctions without interpretation, as it turns out that I don't actually know how to say "I have a wedgie" in either French or German ...

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